Michiana RFC Presidents Archives

First of all, I didn’t win the trivia night, although I was on the team that drank the most beer, so that’s a win in my book. I am not sure of how much money we raised but it was close to around $2500.00. I would like to take this time to give a special thanks to the people that made this happen. First: Bill and Bart did a wonderful job of preparing everything and getting things set up. Bart MC’d the night and Bill walked throughout the night selling tabs for raffles. Second: Mrs. Stevens and Mrs. Bottoroff worked really hard helping with the set up, handing out flyers, taking money, and selling tabs as well. Thanks also go to Larry D. for working the scoring system and computer all night. Thanks go out to the Moose for allowing us to use the facility for the Trivia night and thanks go to everyone who donated prizes for the raffle.

I am not sure of the number of players who actually attended and brought a team, but the turn out was disappointing, and I am only saying the current players who were not there is what was disappointing. I want to let everyone know right now that if you do not raise the requisite amount of money needed to travel to the Playoffs, you will not be going unless you fork out the money out of your own pocket. This is not something that can be set aside, it is a MUST.

Below is a e-mail I got from Graehm concerning the playoffs. Read through it and get the necessary documents prepared before the deadlines start to approach. I do not want to e holding everyone’s hand at the last minute getting shit done. Get it done before hand.

I am writing to all playoff bound clubs to insure that all of you are compliant, are gathering all the necessary documents and preparing your eligibility Binders.

All teams are responsible for ensuring compliance with all USA Rugby AND all Midwest and LAU Eligibility Regulations and procedures. To compile all supporting forms to complete your Eligibility Binder, and to review your responsibilities to your team.

Div I Clubs - All players must be CIPP registered by March 21st to be eligible to compete in the CR#3 Cross over matches. (allows for 2 game compliance prior to April 5th cross over game) Div II & Div III Clubs - All players must be CIPP Registered by April 5th to be eligible to compete in the Midwest Div II and Div III Finals.
Overseas players - All Overseas players must be registered and in the country by March 15th to eligible to compete at any level of playoffs.

All clubs must be registered prior to the first game of 2008. Of the 12 playoff bound clubs in the Midwest only 2 are currently registered. Please take care of this immediately.

All clubs must be in compliance by March 15th. Please take care of this immediately.

For senior level play, you are expected to have accurate citizenship information for all of your players! Only clear and legible documentation will be accepted as proof of citizenship. You may want to collect photo copies of the certified documents detailed below in the event an eligibility challenge should arise. Please be sure to note the allotment for foreign players on your team roster for your specific division of play.

a. A US Citizen is only a person who possesses a US Passport or a birth certificate indicating a birth within the United States.

b. A Resident Alien is only a person who possesses a Permanent or Conditional Residence Card, also known as a Green Card Resident Aliens do not count against your foreigner allotment.

c. A Non-Resident is someone who does not possess either of the above proofs of citizenship.

A copy of this form is attached. Each Player in your squad MUST sign their own copy and have available to turn in to me at check in.

A copy of this form is also attached. For ease we are utilizing the USA Rugby Form. This MUST be completed and turned in to me VIA EMAIL by no later that Wednesday April 23rd.

1. Proofs of citizenship for each player
2. Government issued Photo ID for each player.
3. Match Rosters proving players have played in the minimum amount of matches
4. CIPP Rosters printed from the USAR Web site
5. Copy of Club Roster & Checklist (ATTACHED)
6. Signed Copy of Midwest Championship Waiver Form for each player. (ATTACHED)
7. Eligibility Waivers (if applicable)

November 3rd, 2007

With Doctor Farmer Lawyer Will off doing what ever lawyers do (taking his ethics exam in Nashville and pullin ass) Michiana had to go on without their cap-E-tan. So I, Mac, will fill in and write Will's Words...so lets get this going. After agreeing to never talk about what happend at the halloween party ever again Michiana traveled to Akron for the last game of the fall. After watching 300 in Fray's Grandmothers car i know for sure Fray, Chago, Bethel and I were ready to kick some serious persian ass. We arrived early...as always, to admire the dry field, giant rock, and filled in pot holes. Before the game even started Akron was checking the rule book for the amount of foriegners they could have on their team, they must of just flew in from canada or something, who knows. Then after a little jersey confusion, Conrad was named as captin and despite my protest, we STILL warmed up. The starting line up was as follow:

1. Bill 2. Mac 3. Whin

4. Carl 5. Fray

6. Barney 7. Pete 8. Conrad

9. Dugan 10. Coley

12. Joel 13. George

11. Knudson 14. T-Ball 15. Dan

The game started with both teams ready to play. Michiana marched down fairly early and had the chance to kick for goal. Dugan took the kick, shook his nerves off from last year and nailed it. His kicking was on all day. The set phases prove to be quite a challenge for Michiana. The scrums were slippery and the sir was very cautious to call any barging calls. The lineouts prove difficult with the throws not always being placed well and the jumper contesting Conrad for the ball. With that being said, the first half was all Michiana with Conrad breaking some great lines and our wingers great under the kick.

With the first half gone, Irish Shawn came in at second row with Fray replacing Bill. Even with the new front row the scrums still prove to be a good challenge. The second half kicked off and Akron came out swinging (figurtively and in some parts literally), they started to march down and score quickly. After rekicking, Akron had some calls go their way, and the sir, not quite knowing what "kicking away advantage" really means, they charged down a kick and scored it. Akron had life again but, Michiana still winning, was not going to give up. Michiana was able to keep the ball in hand and march down with Dugan knocking down another crucial conversion kick to bring Michiana up by 14. The game finished with Bart, Cory, Chico, and Siempre comming in for relief. Finally, after a few scuffles, and some hard nosed rugby, Michiana came up with the crucial win to clinche a spot in the Midwest Final 4's.

All in all i believe everyone came prepared to play and took care of buisness. Akron put on a fine after party with buckets of beer for all. And after many advances on Bethel in the back seat, i feel i know him better than i ever have. Now we wait for further news on fundraisers, new kit, and getting shwasted before offseason conditioning. Keep in touch and keep checking the website for updates.

Oh and as far as that whole scoring thing i dont think we need to list who scored what cuz we win as a team and we lose as a team (either that or im just a loley hooker who does not really pay attention to that stuff). But Conrad scored some...good for you Conrad. Umm...Dugan had those kicks...way to kick the ball Dugan. I remember Tball getting in...your a fast little shit. If anyone else scored, please tell me so i can give you a pat on the back and not update this.

XOXO

By Steve McNamara

October 20th, 2007

After a week off due to the forfeit win against Battlecreek, and the results of the weeks games, the Michiana Moose entered the last week of the regular season having already attained the Division Championship and secured a first round playoff home match. The Moose traveled very strong to Ann Arbor. The starting XV was as follows:

1. Bill 2. Mac 3. Fray

4. Carl 5. Irish Shawn

6. Will 7. Pete 8. Conrad

9. Dugan 10. Coley

12. Joel 13. George

11. Knudson 14. T-Ball 15. Chico

The game started very fast with both teams touching down for a converted try within the first 10 minutes of the match. After that, the Moose began to calm things down, set their defensive line, and began to counterattack after turnover ball. The Moose took a halftime lead of 31-7.

The second half was a different story. At halftime, the boxing gloves came on and fisticuffs ensued with about 15 minutes left in the game. Nothing too serious, just the heat of the moment boiling over from the disappointment of Michigan and the heated temperaments of some of the younger players from Michiana. The game ended 48-7.

Try Scorers:

Conrad-2

Knudson-2

Fray-2

Mac-1

Carl-1

Conversions:

Dugan 4/8

Knudson 0/1

The try of the match had to go to Carl who jimmied some poor soul out of his jockstrap. The lad gave me a call on Sunday to get the jock back but Carl had a ninja-like grip on it while smelling the man juices from it.

Chico also gets props from taking the biggest Ann Arbor had to offer and causing him an injury.

I was disappointed with the so called Booze auction which ended up being a Boones Auction. If I wanted something that tasted fruity and something that would not even give me a buzz I would dipped into FrayÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s liquor cabinet. Other than that, the ride home was magnificent with me, Tenebaum, and Fray cutting demo after demo of crappy songs.

This week the Moose take on the Fox Valley Maoris at the Moose Rugby Grounds at 1pm. I encourage all players to get anybody and everybody to attend for this will be Michianas first home playoff match in sometime.

46&2

October 8, 2007

Congratulations go out to the Moose for a stunning 46-0 win against Fort Wayne this past Saturday at the Dome in Fort Wayne. The line-up for the Moose was as follows:

Wynn
Mac
Fray
Carl Case
Corey
Farmer Will
Pukis Pjukis
Conrad
Dugan
Coley
Chico
Bennett
George
Knudson
Dan Fuhrbringer
Bill
Chago
Irish Shawn
Super Dave
Bart
T-Ball
Pink

By far this was our best game of the year. We played well as a team, adjusted our game plan when we needed to, and dominated all phases of the game. The set pieces from the scrum, were very good, after we got the KY off our hands. The kicking was good in that we were able to kick into space, the covering was fantastic, and we were able to counterattack when we needed to. Penalties need to be kicked for touch in order to allow us to set the line-out and put together a set piece which is more effective than romping down the field out-of-control and turning the ball over. Other than that, it was a great game, and damn hot if I say so my damn self.

Pink and I were the last ruggers to vacate OSullivans, and that included the FW players as well. Good luck goes out to two of our players, Fray and Conrad, who traveled, from what I hear quite fast, up to Chicago to try out for the Midwest Select Side.

Try Scorers:

Conrad 2

Bennett

T-Ball

Knudson

Case

Coversions: Dugan 5 out of 6

Penalty Goals: Dugan 2 out of 2

Thanks to another resounding win this weekend, the Michiana Moose are now tied atop of the table for our division at 3-0, with all three wins ascertaining bonus point victories. A simple run-down of the line-up and scorers from this weekend will be sufficient for the Presidents words this week.

1. Fray 2. Mac 3. Chago

4. Carl 5. Sam

6. Will 7. Pete 8. Conrad

9. Dugan 10. Coley

11. Chico 12. Bennett 13. Fuhr 14. T-Ball 15. Knudson

16. Dustin 17. Irish Shawn 18. Simper 19. Bart 20. Shaggy

Try scorers were Bennett 3 (ball hog), Conrad 2, T-ball, Knudson, Simper, Irish Shawn, Fray, Mac

Dugan 7/10 conversions

Bart 1/1 conversions

So for the year, Bart has a better kicking record than Dugan, and without the aid of a tee.

I was very pleased with the performance on and off the field. Man of the match awards have to go to Bethel, Samoa Joe, and Old Irish for sticking their noses in with Tri-Cities and having really good performances.

46&2

-Will Mishler

The beginning of the match was nice. We were able to catch K-Zoo unawares and Conrad, using his go-go Gadget arms, stole the ball away from me, using a touch and go from a penalty, and touched down the first try of the match. Muchy of the first half we were able to keep the ball in the K-Zoo half, and diverted much of their kicking with good ball coverage and great counter attacking from the back three. More tries were slotted, another by Conrad, one by Coley, and another by someone else. (I can't recall because I was too hammered Saturday night to recall minute details from Staurday). The second half saw only one try, by Dave Knudson, and the match ended with the final score 35-8. We had ample opportunities to score, one being Bennet being sniped two meters from the line and knocking on, and a brilliant interchange down the sideline between Fray, Pete, and Mac that ended when Fray did not visualize the ball as a Big Mac sandwich and knocked on when he thought of the ball as a piece of celery.

I know it has been awhile since I last posted, so I won't apologize because no one else has written in my stead. This weekend was the first Sevens Tournament that Michiana entered a team. The team finished 3rd overall, going 3-2 during the blistering Saturday afternoon.I thouroughly despised being the oldest player on the team, and just one of three legal adults at the function. Although that did not stop from the players enjoying refreshments after the matches had concluded. Thankfully the Kool-Aid man was there to make me feel young. Hopefully Jensen hasn't reclaimed his car and that dude is still at the beach trying to get his life together. Mac can suck it after scarfing down nearly $12 worth of food at the Waffle House and costing me a can of celebration grain. Thanks go out to Bill for sucking it up and driving the entire way down at 3 in the morning with a smelly drunk in the car. Cheers go to the rest to ascertaining some points for the Qualifier.

46&2

-Will Mishler

This weekend was the annual Snowball tournament in Kalamazoo . The first thing that must be said was that it was damn cold. The more I sat on my ass and didn't consume alcoholic beverages, the colder I got.

Besides the temperature, the tournament was very well planned and executed, which led to Michiana not being able to enter a side of its own in the tournament. Therefore, we tagged up with some boys from Grand Rapids and proceeded to romp through the pool stages of the tournament, while at the same time go through three different name changes, starting with Cartman, then the Killers, and then the Scooters, and ending up with one of those three. At this point, I didn't care because I was still damn cold and lacking an adult beverage in one of my hands. We finished the tournament in second place, losing to the 3rd Halfers in the final game. The food at the Up-and-Under was delicious and, most importantly, hot. The cold beer that was served with chicken and potatoes was the best damn compliment that I have seen or heard in the last week besides Steve's girl calling me the Man in front of his face.

Later that evening, I (the punisher) journeyed with a newbie, Spiderman, and Mr. Fantastic to the Vu in the Zoo where the nights festivities were greatly enjoyed. The Hulk was unable to attend.

Practice for the upcoming Spring Season will soon be starting. Start getting in shape, start running, stop eating, and prepare for a great season ahead. Until the next update, I will be thawing out and prepping for the beginning of another great year.

46&2

-Will Mishler

Ah, the first day of spring season, my favorite day of the year. I would support a constitutional amendment proclaiming opening day as a national holiday (maybe not as important as Independence Day but certainly more important than Flag Day probably like Veterans Day that would be cool). It was a good day for rugby. Love was in the air. Everybody was kung fu fighting JP was fast as lightning um, never mind.
I will not bore you with the details of our match with Ft. Wayne as Chago (our resident filthy Mexican) has already seen to that. However, I would like to discuss Randy and his amazing twisty ankle. I usually have a strong stomach. Usually. Randy, however, did his best to insure weeks of stomach churning nightmares for ruggers worldwide with his Can Slinky ankle routine he pulled in the second half. I didnt actually see the injury happen (thank god) but did hear Randy and his small commotion. When I finally looked over I was horrified partly because this meant Randy would not be finishing yet another season with us poor guy and partly because what I was looking at resembled what Kathy Bates did to James Caan in Misery. Several players, including myself, promptly retired from the game after seeing his ankle. We will be living in semi-seclusion and receiving thorough hypnotherapy to expunge this occurrence from our memories. I will stop writing about this now as my stomach is feeling very queasy and have just set back my hypnotherapy about two months.
For those who dont know Scott the Kosher Komet money Goldstein will be leaving us shortly. He is moving to Tampa. No time frame for his departure is yet known but he will be missed. I will especially miss him, as he is the only one who got my Gabe Kaplan reference on Saturday.
In other MRFC news, JP Scheu just turned 30 and Dan Fuerbringer just turned 23. Happy birthday to both of you.
Thats all for now.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
Three down.
Count

People always ask me what was the biggest problem with the Jackson 5. I always say: not enough Tito. Now, on to rugby.
A damn penalty try! With three minutes to go! I dont even know what to say. I've never been involved where a penalty try was the deciding factor. The call was probably warranted but its no less frustrating. Oh, well, I guess its all part of the experience if the experience youre going for is getting kicked in the chums with three minutes to go in a match. Even Beezer was ashamed and covered his eyes or, rather, eye.
Lincoln Park played well, however. Its not as if the loss was to St. Theresas Home for Blind Quadriplegic Spanish-American War Veterans. But, still, a penalty try? Damn, thats the type of thing that makes me wish I had taken up figure skating like my cousin Bruce (the one who dressed really well, owned the entire Sex in the City DVD collection, and liked show tunes a lot) wanted me to. It would have been nice: gracefully flowing around the ice to a song from South Pacific and wearing a chic low cut number maybe in mauve perhaps Ive said too much.
In good news, I scored. In bad news, there was no try scoring agreement in effect as there was for last years White River match, damn it.
It was also nice to get back to our old Hums stomping grounds. Its good to get back to your roots and wallow around in the mud and have to avoid tree stumps and line the field so that it looks like Otis from the Andy Griffith Show did it. Ah, Hums, will your power lines ever not come into play? Oh, power lines, how many tumors will you cause in this great rugby club of ours? (The current over/under is 9).
Its always a special treat to see the faces of the little league parents as they usher their children away from practice as fast as they can when we arrive at Hums for a match. Its sort of a “Texas Chainsaw Massacre horror coupled with nude pictures of Rosanne Barr disgust. This is especially so when someones dog re looking in your direction) steals a baseball from the middle of little league practice for seven year olds. “Oh, by the way here is your canine saliva covered ball. Sorry about breaking up that double play.
In other club news, Chago has more hair than a Sasquatch. Im not making fun of him. Its the truth. Ask him.
Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson.

3 down.
Count

It's moments like this when my old Menudo tapes really get the creative juices flowing. Our match was horrible. I don't know how many times we stalled a drive five meters from scoring. It was a lot. NASA is calculating the numbers for us, I'll have the exact figures for everyone at the next practice. There a very few bright spots to talk about and discussing the mistakes would make War and Peace look like a light read. I guess one positive note is that JP (fast as lightning) was able to stay out of the sin bin this week (you go to sin bin, you feel shame, then you get free again). Hooray for JP! Basically, we need a kick in the ass before playoffs. If we play like this when we reach playoffs our only hope for victory might lie in a massive widespread plague of some sort. I'm working on a bubonic-dysentery hybrid in my basement right now. It's not quite ready yet but if someone can volunteer some free time and doesn't mind cold sweats, sleep deprivation, and chronic nausea I think it can be ready in time. The antidote is whole separate issue so you might want to stock up on Thera-Flu and Depends brand undergarments now. Playoffs are in two weeks, guys, it's time to put it all together and play like a unit (Navy Seals unit not Keystone Kops unit). Nobody wants a repeat of last year at Buffalo. Everybody needs to make the trip if at all possible. Last year we traveled to Buffalo with roughly four guys. I played hooker and fullback; Lee was flyhalf and both props. It was ugly. There hasn't been an ass kicking like that for the good guys since the Alamo. Remember Buffalo! In other news, there was a Chago sighting before the match on Saturday. Brian Ahern reported seeing a large hairy mammal wandering around the pitch confused and searching for chew. This report can be neither confirmed nor denied. Chago, in response to your question: Underdog would kick Mighty Mouse's ass. Aside from the obvious size difference (Underdog-packie, Mighty Mouse-back) all you need to do is tell U-dog that the disease ridden rodent has been hitting on Sweet Polly Purebred. One little power pellet and wham! Underdog drops the People's Elbow and it's all over (much to the dismay of Simon Bar Sinister). Ah, Bach.

3 down
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“Come gather around people wherever you roam, and admit that the waters around you have grown. And accept it that soon youll be drenched to the bone. If your time to you is worth savin . Then you better start swimmin or you ll sink like a stone. For the times they are a-changin .
Ah, Bob Dylan, your words are ringing true for our fair rugby club. We stand at 1-3. The problem is that we could very easily be standing on top of the world, 4-0. We are not playing like our teams of the past. Those teams knew they were the best team on the day we took to the pitch. However, with four completely different starting lineups in four matches we haven t been able to get any flow going. We now stare at the playoffs this weekend not as a team that deserves to be there but like a miracle team that lucked into it. Nothing funny about it. Sorry, but it s the truth. We are a much better team than we have been showing. Our first match in Louisville is against the Northwest Woodsmen. They are the same team that ended playoffs for us last year. A bit of redemption would be nice. It s time to play like our past teams. It s time to start playing like the best team on the pitch. That s all I have to say about this. I don t care if you tell me I m full of shit as long as we play like we belong in the playoffs.

NOTICE OF RECENT LAW CHANGES TO RUGGERS WORLDWIDE:

The following law changes were only discovered during last weekends K-Zoo match.
Apparently diving over the ball at a ruck is no longer illegal. I m not sure as to the timing of the law change, but it was apparently sometime between Friday night and kickoff on Saturday. Also, the laws regarding obstruction have changed. Obstruction can be called if the ball carrier chooses to run six meters behind his own teammate such that it in no way interferes with anyone s attempt at tackling the ball carrier or playing the ball. However, obstruction will no longer be called for a ball carrier grabbing onto the back of a teammates jersey and using him as a moving pick/blocker.
Also, offsides at a ruck or maul no longer exists if the player coming offsides is new to the game and playing in a dangerous manner. Please note these subtle law changes, as they may be effective this weekend in Louisville.
I m just assuming that those of you who missed K-Zoo will be going this weekend. Bill, JP (fast as lightning), Chago (sasquatch), Trevor, et al. your services would be appreciated. I m actually not expecting Trevor as his wife is about to have (or maybe already has had) a baby. Just remember, Trevor, Aaron is a beautiful name.
Doc was the well deserving man of the match. Not only for his aggressiveness on the pitch but his medical prowess as well. The only dicey minute was when Doc needed a minute. We all call on Doc for our injuries. Who does Doc call? I can try to help. “Hmmmm, Doc, it looks like you have a second degree contusion of your lateral cornea. Keep off of it for a week and apply pressure to your lower metacarpal. Wow, maybe I should have been a doctor. I ll just combine what I ve learned from two of the world s foremost physicians Dr. Nick Riviera ( “Did you go to the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too? ) and Granny (white lightning cure all) from the “Beverly Hillbillies. Then it s the Chief Surgeon at the Mayo Clinic for me! Doc, thanks for introducing me to the wonderful world of Vioxx. Nothing swells and Sunday icepacks are a thing of the past. It s probably all mental but I don t care. Those pills kick ass. I know it will all spiral down. This week it s Vioxx pills, next week I m snorting lines of chopped up Vioxx that I ve cut with Cascade detergent and finally, it s Vioxx high colonics. Damn you, Doc! The first one was free. That free ride ends here doesn t it, Doc? It s going to be like the Vioxx “Trainspotting.
Oh, well, great game, Doc. Keep up the aggressiveness on the pitch.
Bob “Always a Bridesmaid Lewandowski gets our honorable mention Man of the Match again. He has been our most consistent player so far this year. He even was able to handle most of my lineout throws. Seeing as though I throw like a quadriplegic t-rex with bad shoulders, that s no easy feat. Hooray for Bob. Hey, Bob, did you know your name is a verb?
There was no Sasqua Chago sighting this week because he didn t go. Please, Chago, for the love of god please come back! I hate throwing the lineouts. I ll stop with the Sasquatch references or at least not make them every week. Maybe just one or two a season or maybe every other match. You know what? Screw you! I like making those comments more than I hate throwing in the ball. Do your worst Yeti-boy! Sorry, Chago, it s an addiction.
My sausage has turned to gold.

3 down.
Count

P.S. I was just informed that Trevor and Amy had a boy (future packie) named Conner (or Conor I ve had two different reports) William. Throw an Aaron in there somewhere, Trev. Congratulations!
Three cheers for Conner (Conor) William!

I will never die. Chromium picolonate: every orifice, every day.
Well, playoffs went as the rest of our season has gone: heartbreak. We were able to get up early on the Woodsmen but they came back and put us down hard. We made a run toward the end but it was too little too late. The MVP for the game had to be the flyhalf for the Woodsmen. In addition to some nice backline play, the guy was outstanding with his kicking. He hit pretty much everything he put his foot on. He had a different game plan on Sunday, however. This guy couldn t have hit the broadside of a barn with his kicks. Penalty kicks: missed, conversions: missed, kicks for touch: in bounds. If only he had a foot like that for our game. But, alas, it wasn t to be. Early playoff exits two years in a row. We are the Washington Generals of the Division II Playoffs.
I don t think we gave out a “man of the match award this weekend. I would like to use my Presidential powers (akin to Aquaman s power to summon sardines) to give this award to Brian Ahern for two reasons. He is plays his tattooed ass off every week and he s cool enough to drag his young son 5 hours away from home for a match. Honorable mention Man of the Match will go to Bob Lewandowski just to keep the streak going. Way to go Bob.
We must be the best 1-4 team in the country. We have everything we need to pound everyone we play but always find new, interesting ways to lose matches. We have five matches left to salvage anything resembling a decent season. Our team seems to have a problem with jumping ship like a Titanic rat after spring playoffs are over. Let s not let this happen.
As for the sights in Louisville, I have no idea. I didn t see any sights save for the bottom of several aluminum cans of some sort and a Waffle House. Let s ask Chris Shelley about the sights. Chris turned 21 while in Louisville and, apparently, had a better night than the rest of the team combined. I don t know what happened exactly as I am still trying to piece together information I was able to gather from those that were with him Saturday night.
I realize that this article is neither as long nor as funny as usual but I ve got a lot on my mind. I have decided to retire from rugby and dedicate my life to finding my dog s birth parents. I hope you all can understand. After his accident, Beezer has been increasingly insistent on finding his relatives and making amends with them. I stand behind him 100% in his effort.
Call me Mr. Tennenbaum.

3 down
Count

I m writing this while wondering why Wham ever broke up oh yeah, they sucked.
Another loss. Blah, blah, blah. It was a close match. Blah, blah, blah. We played our collective asses off. Blah, blah, blah. I got my bell rung. Blah, blah, blah. Chago is still hairy. Blah, blah, blah.
You know, I ve seen in a lot in my day. Until Saturday I had never seen a very large man riding a mechanical pony while drinking a pitcher of beer. But thanks to a willing St. Louis packie (I m assuming packie because of girth) I have now seen that too. It was fairly impressive. For those who can t picture it: imagine 250 lbs. on a midget Shetland pony. Thank god for rugby. I might have gone my entire life without seeing it. What s worse is that I d never had known that I wanted to nay needed to see it. Hooray for rugby and the absolute insane freaks who associate with it. I chose the right sport. What if I had chosen badminton? Do badminton players ever go out together after a hard fought match and decide that the best thing they could do is drink a pitcher of beer while riding a reject children s toy from the front of a Wal-Mart? Hell no! They sit around sipping a nice merlot while reflecting about the time they got crazy and ate Cheez-Whiz the night before a big match. Those crazy guys and their shuttlecocks. I think that the only other sport with this kind of excitement must be Amish rake fighting. Unfortunately, their season doesn t commence until mid-June so rugby is where these strange occurrences will have to happen for me until then. But when the rake fighting season starts, watch out. I ve heard the Goshen Buggy Riders had a good draft and should contend for the title. I ve already laid my bet on Amos Yoder for league MVP. Go Buggy Riders. I know, it s not nice to make fun of the Amish but how are they going to know? Check the internet on their hay powered Dell pc?
On a side note, I think it should be known that our own Bob Lewandowski, in addition to being this weekend s honorable mention Man of the Match, is an accomplished poet. It s true. For those of you who have yet to read any of his wonderful work think of a combination of Poe and Seuss with a little Whitman thrown in for historical perspective. Bob, as friend and fellow tight fiver, I implore you to let the world know of your incredible gift.
Finally, we play Battle Creek this weekend. A lot of players will not be traveling because of boy s h.s. Midwest. We need everyone that can possibly travel to do so. Call everyone you can think of. Know someone who has ever played rugby? Bring them. Know someone who has ever seen a rugby match? Seen a rugby ball? Heard of rugby? Thinks rugby is akin to dogsledding? Bring them. They ll play.
She s just scrappin

3 down
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You know what s cool? Chimps in human clothing. Preferable on a tricycle or smoking.
In the summer of 1995 some fellow Purdue ruggers and I traveled around playing in various 7 s tournaments all summer. There was a group of 12 of us that played somewhere virtually every weekend. This past weekend a group of 11 Michiana ruggers traveled to Battle Creek to play a 15 s match. That s right ELEVEN people. I ve traveled a man down several times and two men down once or twice but traveling four men down is ridiculous. We were Alamo undermanned. We had guys playing positions that they didn t known even existed on a rugby pitch. I personally wore number 20 and offered to be a sub. The other 10 Michiana guys vetoed my plan. Thanks to everyone that went (even though the pre-game bitching was high). Eleven guys went up and played their asses off. After the match we were the walking wounded. I don t think anyone finished the match with anything left in the gas tank and everyone had more than their fair share of bruises, sprains, and cuts. Don: sternum, Trevor: shoulder, Wolf: brain, Zack: arm, along with the various ankle, neck, and knee injuries to the rest of us.
The weather sucked ass. It was cold, rainy, and windy. BC has a nice little game plan where they kick a lot. Hell, there s less kicking in a soccer game. So, we ran. And, they kicked. And, we ran. They kicked. We ran. They kicked. We ran. Repeat this process 1500 times; add in the crappy weather and you might barely be able to imagine the shit we went through. It was one of the most miserable matches I ve ever been associated with.
We had a lot of stuff to deal with (not the least of which was the single mouthiest player I ve ever seen fine, jack your jaw constantly but at least be a game factor in the end). We started the match with a BC guy at scrumhalf. The kid did a good job but was pulled from us at the half to play for his hometown team (traitor). Only up by two at the half and with a new crew of BC guys shuttled in to complete our side we had to kick it up a notch to keep in the game. Wolf left the game in the second half after getting face planted. Sources tell me he still can t remember his middle name. Let s just hope he can t remember where his drag queen earrings are. We were tied at 19 when what appeared to be the backbreaker happened. Don stepped right on Zack s arm. Zack went down and left the game (I still don t know if he broke it) and just like that, no 8-man. BC had no one left to give so, with the score tied and 20 minutes to play, we had a seven-man pack and brought the ball out underneath the locks for the rest of the game. In that 20-minute span, playing down a man we were able to put up ten points and seal the 29-19 win. Ah, sweet victory. It was nice. It was something we hadn t had since the Truman administration (or so it seemed). We only started the game with 11 Michiana players and we finished with NINE good guys on the field.
There will be no Man of the Match award this weekend. It is too difficult to say who played the best and the hardest. Everyone who went deserves the award. All I know is who doesn t deserve the award: everyone who didn t go.
I think that the rest of our team should find these 11 guys and thank them for not only traveling to BC undermanned and in shitty weather but for also bringing home an extremely painful W.
In conclusion, I would hereby like to retire as field captain as my record now stands at 1-0. I think this makes me the only undefeated field captain in South Bend/Michiana RFC history.
Discus Stu has ouzo for twouzo.

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Sorry this is so late...there was a manure spreader
jack-knifed on the Santa Ana...you should see my
shoes.
Wow...two wins in a row! We are on fire! I have no
idea what the score was; I missed the first half. I
know that I scored (still no try scoring agreement in
place, damn it), Lee scored five times, and Fray
scored thrice. Lee already has a man of the match
this year so he is out. Fray is a metrosexual so he is
out. We ll give Man O' the Match to Dan Fuerbringer
for wearing the worlds worst scrum cap. It really
does look like crap. It was, apparently, the only
thing to survive Bikini Atoll. Dan, you re not poor,
buy a new one. After a one week hiatus, Bob
Lewandowski regains the title of honorable mention Man
O' the Match.
I am tired of talking about rugby and I am pissed off
at humans in general so...
How long has common courtesy been dead? Why wasn t
informed? I think that I would have liked to have
been at that solemn ceremony dismissing courtesy into
retirement. It would have been nice to bid one final
adieu. But, alas, I was not invited to the party.

It seems as though those days are gone forever. Look
around you at any given time of the day and you can
find an instance of rudeness where courtesy used to
lie.

Go to the supermarket: you will surely see some ass in
the express-cash only-ten items or less lane with 34
things. Hey, moron, just because 27 of the items are
cans of tomato soup does not mean they are one item.
All that stuff you bought individually to make tacos
does not add up to one big fucking taco. It is
lettuce, tomatoes, meat, shells, cheese, sour cream,
and salsa. Seven items, period. Not one. And those
seven along with all the damn soup you bought is 34
things, not two.

Oh, and what s this? You re paying with a third party
out of state bad check? Read the sign: cash only!
You didn t see the sign? Then get to the eye doctor.
Your eyes are apparently worse than your hunger. Get
out of line now!

I don t think I m asking too much for a little
courtesy. Sure maybe it ll take you five more minutes
in line but the lady there behind you has only baby
formula the CASH to pay for it and a panicked look in
her eyes. I think she needs through a bit faster,
don t you?

What? Now you ve loaded all your crap into your car
and have left your grocery cart in the middle of the
parking lot to roam aimlessly at the will of the slope
of asphalt and wind. Thanks. How many times do I
have to turn into a parking space to find it already
occupied with your cart? There are three hundred
spaces in the lot and half of them are filled with
carts. How hard is it to put the cart into the nice
little parking lot cart stalls they provide?
Apparently it s really god damn difficult because
these carts are everywhere. It s like a free-range
grocery cart farm. You can t walk fifty feet in any
direction without finding a designated area to put a
cart and you can t walk eight feet without running
into a cart roaming aimlessly not in its designated
spot. Did you break your arms and legs loading your
car? Why can you not get your cart out of my way?

And, at the bank there s always that idiot trying to
launder illegal drug money through four different
offshore accounts while simultaneously attempting a
hostile take over of Proctor & Gamble all through the
ATM and all right in front of me. Have your stuff
ready, at least. Don t make me watch your head bob up
and down as you non-chalantly search for a pen while
I m missing something important. It should be like a
NASCAR pit stop. Get the fuck in, see if you can get
it done faster than you did last time, and then get
out, moron. Don t make me wait while you place
everything in the exact place you want it and make
sure all your cash is arranged in order by serial
number before you move from out in front of the damn
ATM. Do I need to come up there and put the car in
drive for you? If it can t be accomplished in under a
minute, pry your butt out of the car and go inside and
harass those poor souls.

Damn it, give me a “thank you wave if I let you in
during heavy traffic.

Me holding open the door for you is not your
birthright, it is me being kind enough to not let it
slam back on your head. Say “thanks, or at least a
little nod of recognition or a doff of the cap for my
good deed. On the same note, if I m carrying 14
things in my arms hold the door open for me. I can t
open the door with my amazing powers of telekinesis.

TURN YOUR CELL PHONE OFF! It is a movie theatre. I
came here to get away from this. I went to see a
movie recently and didn t realize till halfway through
that the main character had a regular voice. I
thought it was a heartwarming tale of a man overcoming
his odd phone ringing speech impediment. What s worse
than a cell phone going off in a theatre? When the
owner of said phone decides the best thing he can do
is hold his conversation in the theatre right during
the movies climax!
“But, Bill I can t marry you. I m in love with..
RING!. RING!. RING!. RING!
“What? Hello? I CAN HARDLY HEAR YOU! I M GETTING BAD
RECEPTION! I M IN A THATRE! YEAH, THE MOVIE S PRETTY
GOOD!
These people deserve to be forced to watch Rosie
O Donnell bathe.
If McDonalds is busy have your order ready when you
get to the front of the line.
These people are everywhere. The airline allows one
carry-on. One, not two, one. Don t suck up more
space on the plane because you hate checking your
bags. I hate checking my bags, too but I do. Why?
Because it s airline policy and it s POLITE. Don t
bring your six metric ton bag onto the plane and get
upset when they tell you you re going to have to gate
check it. Don t bring so much stuff next time. You d
think that half of the airline passengers were sherpas
with all the crap they shoehorn onto a plane. Do not
smash my regulation size bag into smithereens in order
to get your huge bag into the overhead storage
compartment. I wouldn t be surprised if someone set
up an impromptu rope and pulley system and pulls out
the axle grease and crowbar to cram their oversized
bag in.
On the plane there s always some lazy mother bestowing
upon you the title of unofficial baby sitter to her
always awake and annoying four-year-old while she
catches some Z s. Don t worry ma am, this eulogy I m
writing for my grandfather isn t important and I don t
have to give it for another hour at least, I can watch
your kid for you while you nap.
If you re lucky enough not to have to deal with some
kid it s always some ass who doesn t believe you
really want to be reading that book you re holding.
No, instead you re forced to listen to his whole life
story beginning with conception. Leave me alone. I
don t want to talk to you. I don t want to get to
know you. I don t want to make another friend in
coach. What are you expecting? An invitation to
Thanksgiving dinner? You ll be lucky if I don t beat
you with your own oversized bag you brought on the
plane with the aid of a team of oxen. You re the
reason people like me have to buy booze on an airplane
to keep calm.
At baggage claim the luck is no different. Everybody
stands three inches away from the conveyor to make
sure they can get their bag as soon as it comes out.
Meanwhile, I watch as my bag makes eight or nine
circuits of the conveyor out of my reach because not
one of these morons will let me to the front. These
idiots refuse to give up their precious front row
spot, even for a second. By this time their distance
from the conveyor can only be measured in sub-atomic
units at major research facilities.
Tip your wait staff! Unless a waitress shits on your
plate just prior to serving you she deserves
something. Your 10% maximum tip isn t enough. She
brought you food. You don t have to cook or cleanup.
For the love of mike, half the time you make her life
a living hell. I think there should be a
constitutional amendment stating that tipping is
inversely proportional to how kind you treat the wait
staff. You want to be an ass? Fine, 600% tip. You
want to be polite and gracious? 15% minimum will
suffice.
Don t drive 45 miles per hour in the fast lane on the
highway. Also, if I m doing 77 in the fast lane of a
65 mph highway, don t fly up on me at 112 mph and honk
and flip me off. There s a fine line between driving
fast and driving like a maniac. When you honk at me
and flip me off I m going to slow down to annoy you
off further. Keep in mind that I am going to
determine when you get to pass me not the other way
around. I ll drive at the exact same speed as the guy
in the slow lane for 12 miles if I really want to
prove a point. Where the heck do you need to be that
you have to drive that fast anyway, Andretti? I have
an idea: you feel the need to drive at roughly the
same speed as the space shuttle attains upon reentry?
Why not leave ten minutes earlier? Ah, I know, that
would be the easy solution and your primitive
Cro-Magnon brain can t quite process it.
I m not asking for the soul of your firstborn male
child. I m asking for a little courtesy.
Screw you guys, I m going home.

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Typing away while wondering where my pants have gone.
It was a match of epic proportions. The type of match that will inspire epic poems for years to come. Bob is actually incorrect on the score. The final was 88-86 with Michiana scoring the victory as I kicked 79 meter drop goal well into injury time. This may seem implausible to most of you but since I was the only Michiana rugger actually in the correct state I have instantly become the only one with first hand information.
Seeing as though I was alone I had to find teammates quickly. Luckily I was able to pick up three hitchhikers on my way to the pitch. The first, Akmed, was an edgy drifter from Tunisia. His lack of English and rugby skills were a drawback at first but he really showed his moxie at game time. The other two were Jubby and Dell. They had thumbed rides from Pig Scrotum, Arkansas to Chicago because, as Jubby put it, “That s whar the jobs is. I convinced them to join our team by promising them half a bottle of grape Mad Dog and Fray s hand in marriage. At the field I was able convince a vagrant who referred to himself only as “His Holiness Zantar to play scrum half. He didn t have much of a left hand pass but made up for it with his motivational speeches Praise be to Zantar! The Lions loaned us two rookie players and with the eight gang members I lured away from a knife fight with crack our team was complete.
Never having played together we were a bit shaky at first. In fact this was the first time anyone of my newfound teammates had ever played with the exception of Dell (All-American Prop at Cornell 91- 92). The Lions seized upon our inexperience and jumped on top 17-0 in the first five minutes. The tide was about to turn, however. Out of the next scrum Willy K (gang member fly half) completed a perfect scrum loop with Zantar who blew passed the Lions Defense and scored easily. It was at that moment that we really bonded as a team. We were no longer vagrants, hitchhikers, deities, or warring gang members we were the Michiana Moose!
After that score we were back in the match. We clawed our way into contention and proceeded to trade the lead several times. We knew we were into injury time when I hit my aforementioned drop goal to clinch the game. It was a proud, emotional moment. The tears in Akmeds eyes showed exactly how important this match had become for all of us or perhaps it was just the pepper spray the cops doused us with (another story another time). Crips and Bloods hugging (maybe a bit of stabbing) in victory, Jubby and Dell sharing a celebratory half-bottle of MD, and me proud as hell of the team. They were the finest damn ruggers I ve ever taken the field with Praise be to Zantar!
How now, Gas Man?

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P.S. Fray, your wedding will be during half time of the White River match. Dell says he already has a dress for you that s, “real purty, and Jubby says you should stock up on unfiltered cigarettes, KY, and Mad Dog now. And, I hope you like Big Bone Lick, Kentucky because that s where you re going on your honeymoon.